


Something Always Brings Me Back To You

by NewStoryline



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/M, Piano, This took way too long, how to write a fanfic in like a year, some of this stuff has been addressed, songfic kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-08
Updated: 2020-02-08
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:07:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22613839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NewStoryline/pseuds/NewStoryline
Summary: I'm gonna be honest, this was set way back when the xhorhas house wasn't a thing. I tried my best to foreshadow future events but obviously some parts are out dated.-------------------------------------“Jester? Blueberry, Ich entschuldige mich if I startled you too much.”His words rang in my ears...finally. Shaking out of my trance, “Ah, sorry Cay-leb. Guess I’m still a little bit sleepy.”He smiled ever so slightly. Arms crossed, head tilted. “What are you doing up so late?”I pressed the F chords. “Playing the piano.”He chuckled, it was strange how deep it was. “Ja, I can see that.”
Relationships: Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast
Kudos: 13





	Something Always Brings Me Back To You

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to all those who were force to read this in its beta stage. Like Kiley, Gabs and ShriekingStrawberry. I have been dragging my feet through the mud on this.

It wasn’t often that there was a piano in the taverns that they stayed in. More often than not, the room was completely barren of anything other than tables and chairs in the lobby. So the sleek black piano was very much a warm welcome to me.

It was very similar to the one I had at home. Muscle memory basically kicked in, the last time I did this in Hupperdook. It’s been months since we were even there. Off-key only slightly, since I was just trying to get the feel of the keys again. The rhythm. The beat.

_ C  _

One note to the next.

_ Am _

The next note my mama would start to sing. It was always beautiful. Mesmerizing no matter how many times I’ve heard her. As my hands continues to dance among the scales going onward to  _ F, _ Marion Lavorre was dancing with me in my head. Holding me close like she used to.

_‘Something always brings me back to you,_ Mama.’ Missing her was the biggest challenge I’ve ever had to face. The journey I’m on was just as hard knowing there was someone at home, waiting for me. Next note.

_ C _

_ It never takes too long  _ for the world around me to crumble as I wear my mask. Hoping to fool the world that I’m just as happy as the face I’ve created. I should be pretty good at it by now and so...

Sometimes it works. Like back when we came home after Beau, Nott and Caleb defeated the Iron shepherds. Molly is gone...for good.

“Yeah. How did Jester do? No offense, but she seems like she’s a little bit more willfully stronger than you are.”

Beauregard had stared at me as I danced alone by myself. Moving to music that I almost wish was just a little bit louder ‘cause it was a bit strange to listen to my friends talk about me.

“I mean, fuck, it’s really disturbing. Like, she came out of there like a little kettle of popcorn, just no problem. I was worried. There were really dark times. I would hear Jester singing to herself at night and then she’d change lyrics, and then my name would be in the lyrics sometimes. Every morning, she would try and cheer everybody up that was around her, but she had the muffle? So I couldn’t tell if my brain was playing tricks on me, or if she was just– I don’t think there’s much that gets her down. It’s kind of inspiring.”

Beau believed of my act back then, even if it was less than Fjord. I couldn’t just tell them I was broken inside. Tearing up at the fact I couldn’t see my mama again or the rest of our friends. 

Inspiring is what he called me. Maybe that’s why I liked him for so long. I watched people get mesmerized by my mama, I just wanted someone to look at me like that. Like I meant the world to them. So I continue my balancing act. Trying not to teater off the edge.

Sometimes it doesn’t work.

“I think it is an act.”

Caleb just saw right through me. Even though my friends put in their best efforts to pretend like they weren’t speaking of me, I could hear them as clear as a summer's day. He tries to correct himself as Fjord questioning gaze lands back on him.

“ No, she has a lot of– she’s an amazing woman, but talent is different than happiness, I guess.”

It is hard. And  _ no matter what I say or do  _ to keep my facade, Caleb always sees right through me. We are similar in different ways. My hands lead me back to the C chord keys.

As I do so, I see a glimpse of red, well more like orange. Frumpkin came out of the corner near the stairs to the bedrooms. I pause momentarily. Grabbing him by his scruff onto the black seat that I was sitting at and place him to my right. He rubs against my thigh before laying down. Staring knowingly at the ginger cat, “ _ I'll still feel you here _ , Caleb. I know you’re using Lumpy as a spy.”

It wasn’t long  _ 'till  _ the ginger man silently trudge down to the lobby.  _ The moment  _ when he fully came into view, my mind kind of stopped. Caleb never used to just wear his trousers to bed. Most of the time, I wasn’t rooming with him, but you know I would have... like noticed.

Of course, I’m not complaining. I am definitely not complaining. Complaining is the last thing I would do at this very second. My eyes may have strayed too long on his chest.

His eyes followed my line of sight. His face became pinker than my backpack. The tips of his ears were beat red. Even with his previous attempts for the otherwise, he still looked handsome. For once though I was also frozen.

Words tried to enter my ears, an apology for his lack of clothing no doubt, but they didn’t really reach me. My mind went black and _ I'm gone. _

“Jester? Blueberry,  Ich entschuldige mich if I startled you too much.”

His words rang in my ears...finally. Shaking out of my trance, “Ah, sorry Cay-leb. Guess I’m still a little bit sleepy.”

He smiled ever so slightly. Arms crossed, head tilted. “What are you doing up so late?”

I pressed the F chords. “Playing the piano.” 

He chuckled, it was strange how deep it was. “Ja, I can see that.”

My mouth curved upwards, “Then why’d you ask then?” His very bare torso lean against the sleek top of the piano. 

“I was wondering why you were up so late playing the piano, Blaubeere.”

The nickname was strange yet familiar. Bubbles were trapped in my throat. And my words escaped me, flew from the cage I kept them. Breathing in, I tried to catch them. Even just one.

“Well you know, there aren't many pianos on our travels. So basically I, of course, did like a really super good job the first time; I thought I should probably play again. Basically.”

His eyes gazed at me. Not judging me in any way. Not pressuring me. It was more like a blanket, comforting and filled with warmth. 

_ ‘You hold me without touch’, _ the warmth lingers similar to a campfire. Safe. Protected. But always at a distance.

“You are very good at this song. Have you been practicing on this one?”

Daft hands trying so hard not to shake as he watches me from a distance. Distances that are closing in ever so, getting closer and closer together.

“No, this one was always my favorite.”

Swift movements, not with haste but with experience, as both my hands are on the keys. He starts coming towards me going around the giant instrument. “It's a nice melody, but I haven’t heard this one before. Is it native to the Nicodranas?”

His form looms over mine and Frumpkin. I barely have the chance to stay in tune after getting...sidetracked a little bit, just a little bit.

“No actually, it was a love song from one of my mama’s patrons. She wrote the notes and lyrics. It was my favorite for a long time. So technically, it’s my mama’s song, technically. And she just taught me how to do it like super good.”

Frumpkin shifted until half of him was on my lap. I wasn’t really paying attention as to why until Caleb moved over to sit next to me.

I kept my cool, I hope, and started the next line. He just listens to me play. The room felt as if Caleb casted Reduce. Shrinking and shrinking until it was just the two of us with only a piano and Frumpkin.

This was odd. He was odd. I never liked being cramped in a room. Closed in. With no actual way out. But I didn’t feel trapped in this room. I felt free. ‘ _ You keep me without chains.’  _ But for some reason, I couldn’t leave. I didn’t want to.

“Jester, are you doing okay?”

Caleb said it so softly, I almost couldn’t hear it even if this room held the two-...right Frumpkin...three of us.

“Yes...yes I am, Cay-leb.”

Trying to hold myself together. Praying to the Traveler that I don’t fall apart. Not in front of the one person who doesn’t deserve me pushing my problems when he already has his own.

A heavy sigh came out next to me. My demeanor wavers. 

“Jester, I am going to say this because we all care about you. You don’t have to keep up the front. We will like you even if you do get sad.”

He spoke out his words carefully, as if I am a keg of gunpowder and he is holding a lighter.

My hands remove themselves from the keys. Moving them nimbly to the right side of my body where Frumpkin lays, as I begin petting him. Trying so hard to pretend that everything was still alright. That I was okay as I claim I am.

My eyes were glued to my lap. I opened my mouth to respond.

“ _ I never wanted anything so much than to  _ keep you all happy.”

In the corner of my eye, I see his hand move towards my back. Stopping mid-air waiting for my reaction, before hesitantly continuing forward. He started to rub in small circles. It was soothing. I arched my back toward the motion.

“Ja. We want you to be happy too. But I don’t-...we don’t want you to feel like you must  _ drown in your  _ emotions in order to do that.”

His hand paused in the middle of my back. His thumb still moved against the fabric of my shirt. Safe. Safe, and comforting.

“I uh..we  _ love  _ you. Not because you are strong, believe me you are; not because you get us to laugh with your silly pranks and jokes. But because you are you. You are kind and accepting even if the majority of people would not be.”

My head tilts up, eyes watching his face as he bites his bottom lip and quickly releases it.

“ _ And not  _ just that. You are one of us, ja. We  _ feel your  _ pain as much as you feel ours. You shouldn’t have to  _ reign  _ over your emotions.”

Turning halfway as I face Caleb, I lean to him as I wrapped my arms around him. Loosely and carefully, he is just as skittish as the fey cat on my lap. He tense for a millisecond then relaxed in my embrace. 

Muttering on his, still very shirtless, chest, “You all have so much on your plate, I don’t wanna add to that.”

His chin weighs down on the top of my head, “Yet you would help all of us. The arschlochs, the lowlives, and the insufferable bastards?”

I moved my head upwards as he pulls his down towards me. Suddenly our foreheads are touching. All my problems were so small compared to everyone else’s. 

I just wanted to see my mama without being trapped or alone. And sure I can see her, I have to sneak into our house to do so, but I can see her whenever I want. I just never liked being the bird in a cage. Though I suppose I am more of the cat in the box.

Never knowing whether I am feeling alive, or feeling dead since so few have tried to open to check. I wanted out. Beau tried her hardest to rip open. She just couldn’t push deep enough. Caleb, however, was doing a phenomenal job of it.

_ Set me free. _

“I don’t think you guys are buttholes. All of you guys tried really, really hard to save a town and did it. All of you guys manage to save Kiri and the bird girl is super happy in her new home.” I hesitated, for just a moment, before finishing, “You all helped my mama.”

_ ‘Leave me be,  _ you shouldn’t have another pound added to the weight you’ve already carried.  _ I don't want to fall _ , again.  _ Another moment  _ before I go  _ into  _ the atmosphere where  _ your  _ shoulders are the only thing keeping me from _ gravity.’ _

“You know for all your wise words, I believe you forgot someone pretty important.”

Rubbing my head to the crook of his neck, “yeah?”

“Ja. Yourself. Here you are…” Cupping my cheek until I was looking eye to eye, he didn’t even hesitate this time.  _ Here I am, _ staring at eyes that could put the sea to shame. “...and you are standing in spite of everything forced upon you. None of us would be here without you.”  _ And I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be. _

Frumpkin moves a bit more, purring against my chest. Caleb’s hand falls back to his lap. “You don’t have to worry about me. I’m gonna be fine.”

His fallen hand rises to my shoulder. “And it is okay if you are not.” ‘ _ But you're on to me.’ _

__ “But I’m not Nott.” He stifled a chuckle as he pulled me into an even tighter hug. ‘ _ And all over me.’ _

“ _ Oh, you  _ know what I meant.” His voice held amusement. I didn’t pull away. 

“Do you think they only  _ loved me 'cause  _ I mask my worst parts?” After saying this, I felt so vulnerable, so weak. 

“Nein. You’ve seen ours. The worst of the worst. You still seem to like us.” I gave him a look that said I don’t think of everyone as terrible people...I don’t think of him as one of the worst. Still I felt the need to tease him, just a teeny tiny bit.

“Oh, I’ve seen everyone’s real good, Caleb”

He took in a deep sigh as I duck a bit lower, my face smush on his stomach instead of his chest, covering my laugh.

“Oh  Blaubeere.”

His mouth betrayed him though. Twitching upwards with his lips tightly press.

“I don’t want them to think that  _ I'm fragile.” _

Tumbling words rushed out, the dam I made broke. His hand on my back went back to rubbing in circles. The room went quiet with only Frumpkin’s purrs breaking the silence.

“What makes you think they would not continue to think that you are strong?” Caleb spoke with an utter softness.

“ _ When  _ you, Beau, and Fjord were at a table at the Evening nip all those months ago. Beau said I was ‘willfully stronger’ and Fjord called me inspiring.”

I breathe in before releasing my next thought, “ _ I thought that I was strong. _ Fjord thought I was strong. I wanted to be strong. But I’m not. If I was, then...then Molly would still be here.”

He pulled away before grabbing my hands to squeeze them. “Jester, look at me. You are strong. You may be our light but we all have our days when we don’t burn as bright. If you keep going on like this eventually, well, eventually you’ll be burnt out.”

_ ‘But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.‘ _

“I wish I could set myself free from all of this. I don’t know if I can  _ set me free. _ I rather just _ leave me be. I  _ really _ don't want to fall another moment into  _ darkness and loneliness.” _ ‘Your gravity  _ is the only thing that is keeping me on the ground where everyone else is, Caleb. Otherwise I would be floating, up and up.’

“Yeah. I know what you mean. I know I come off as a person who likes to be alone. In truth I don’t actually fancy being lonely. None of us do.”

So  _ here I am,  _ as he watches me,  _ and I  _ don’t try to _ stand so tall, just  _ like  _ the way I'm supposed to be.  _ I let the tears fall out of my eyes. Nothing like this has ever happened before where I just let down my hair  _ but  _ he did it. Examine every inch of me. ‘ _ You're  _ more than just _ on to me, Caleb, and  _ more than just  _ all over me.’ _

I moved back to my original position, not before I gave him one last squeeze. “Thank you, Cay-leb.” Whispering as I got onto the next note from the piano.

“Of course. You done this more than a handful of times for me.” Although the words flew out of his mouth was assuring, his eyes gave a more telling story. 

His eyes held more than I could take, as if I was...I was more than just Jester.  _ I  _ never knew how to help him. How to save him from himself. I want him to live, to  _ live here  _ with the rest of us by his side. 

The only thing I can do is go  _ on my knees _ , and pray to the Traveller that Caleb can finally realize what he really means to us. ‘ _ As I try to make you see _ all of this, Caleb, you ignore it as if you are unworthy.  _ That you're  _ nothing compared to the rest of us, when that’s not true.’ Caleb is  _ everything  _ to us...to me.

“I would definitely do it again and again.”  _ I think I need  _ you  _ here  _ the most, you stupid man.

“Ah, I am sure that you would definitely  **do it again and again.** ” It takes me a good ten seconds to register those words.

“Oh My Traveller! Cay-leb, did you just make a sex joke?”

His face turns to the right where I couldn’t see his expression. That really doesn’t matter though, cause I can most definitely tell he was smirking.

“YOU DID! You made a sex joke! You are learning so well!” My voice is charged with delight and excitement on this revelation. My hand goes over my chest dramatically. He rolls his eyes as he turns his head back towards me.

“It’s not hard to make one.” Dismissing my accusation. The coward. I'm gonna show him how it’s done.

“Oh, I’m sure something is real hard.” Eyebrows lifting, descending then lifting again in quick succession.

His ears light up this pretty pink shade, if I had my paints I would have loved to draw him. His face suddenly hardens, I can’t make that joke twice, before coming waaaaay too close. Personal bubbles be damned, I am sure that this distance is enough for his to pop. His breath tickles my ear.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

Immediately, he pulls his head back so I can look at the entirety of his face. Then he mother fucking winks. There is a pregnant pause of silence afterwards. My giggles finally release from my mouth as he does the same. For once my head isn’t in the clouds. It is right here  _ on the ground. _

“Thank you for that, Cay-leb. I feel- I feel a lot better. I can try to put my walls down, it just... won’t be very easy.”

Everything in my head screamed for me to shut up. I didn’t want to this time. Especially when he is looking at me like that. Like I could hold everyone’s hearts and break them and he wouldn’t mind. He would not mind if I broke his.  _ But  _ I couldn’t let that happen.

“Ja, it never is. We will be here with you. Wir sind dicker als wasser. Näher als Blut, mein kleiner dämon”

His accent was deep and smooth. Interesting and different. Mama used to have people all over the world to stay with her, I have heard accents similar but his sounds so much more unique. An artwork that can never be recreated.

I don’t have the energy to cast tongues. Besides, I wanted to hear his voice.

“What are you saying?” More curious than a demand.

“It's nothing.”

His eyes shift to the right.

“Oh come on Cay-leb!” Exasperated as I am filled with a mighty need to know what in the Traveller’s name did he just say. An orange tail gentle skim my arm, Frumpkin is watching me with his big eyes. Obviously a distraction to get Caleb out of this mess. A small glare told him it isn’t going to work. Sheepishly he continued.

“Nein. It is...it is not important, Blaubeere.”

This could go on forever. One of us has to place our cards on the table. If avoiding this matters so much to him, I allow it. 

“If you say so. But Cay-leb” I sang out his name to him, waiting for a reply. His eyes finally moved left to look at me.

“Hm...”

“We won’t leave you either.” Eyes wide with hopefulness, I couldn’t let him think lowly of himself and highly of me or anybody else on our team. We all have our cracks and scars but none of us are broken beyond repair. 

“I won't be able to get out of this one, kleiner teufel?”

My curiosity in his native language peaked a bit. Regardless of it, I will not be distracted. Well, he is still shirtless. I will **try** not to be distracted.

“Nope!  _ You're  _ going to know that you are loved and cared for just as much as me or any of the others. Cause you are.”

With each word I poke at his chest, not too harsh on our squishy wizard but just enough to make a point.

Eyes full of shame and fear; I know the emotions all too well. Shame that I am not good enough for my friends or my patron... or my mama. Fear that if anyone sees the real me, they will only feel disappointment or worse.

“Even if I turn out to be a really bad man?” He seems to swallow his voice for a second, before stating. “Someone who can’t be forgiven.” He continues on but it becomes more of a whisper. “Who shouldn’t be.”

There he goes again. Preaches to me on how to express every part of me, yet doesn’t want to accept himself.

“ _ Neither  _ of those sentences describes you. I know I haven’t known you for too long yet you have been nothing but nice and kind. Not a bad man. Just a man who has made mistakes.”

No woman, no man, no person in between has ever lived a life mistake free.

“Not a  _ friend nor foe  _ is more accurate of me in the beginning. It was just convenient. My mistakes are written in ink.” His eyes seem to glaze over for just a second, “they cannot be erased easily.”

But the paper can still be used, folded up turning itself into something new. A flower, a swan, a star. The ink is still part of it but that doesn’t make the outcome any less pretty than it was. 

“Oh really. Cause this so called ‘it’s convenient’ guy just so happens to give me money after finding out I was out of money. Money that he says he never had as a child. The same ‘bad man’ who gave a coin in a hat for my not as good piano performance, just to make a point that I was good at it.” I take a breath. Ready to rant at him for as long as it takes.

“Caleb, you can’t keep putting yourself in the past. If I am going to show another side of me, you are going to have to grasp that you have one too. No single person has made good decisions all their lives or else they wouldn’t be a living being. They would be a machine.”

No matter how methodical he is, he’s human. Only human.

“Oh, Jester. I do my very best to try at least. I’m not sure on how well I’ll be able to.”

My heart aches. 

“Beau said it best, don’t run. We are here to catch you. I’m here to catch you. I did it once. I’ll do it twenty times over. Even  _ though  _ we have our falls, it’s never too far down.”  _ I can't seem to let you go. _

“You don’t know that. I could be the very thing keeping you all back.”

_ The one thing that I still know  _ that Caleb for all his trauma is a good man that hasn’t done so many great things in his past.

“ _ Is that  _ what you think?  _ You're keeping me down?  _ Caleb, I float off into space and you are the only thing keeping me grounded. So really, you are what we need...you don’t give yourself enough credit..”

Once again, Caleb was giving me his sad smile. Pleading with himself in a way, tearing him into two. He huffs out, “I have always been a glass half empty.”

I wasn’t having any of it, “Glass half empty or full, either way you won’t be going thirsty.” My words came out with a dignitave tone.

“That is a...very interesting way to think of it.” His faint genuine smile appeared on his face instead of that sad one, which was more than a relief.

“Take as much as you are willing to give.” It was my philosophy, a simple balance. 

Caleb pushes his face closer to mine; hot breath that smells of mint warming my cheeks. His nose grazing mine, a feather touch. His voice went slightly deeper, with a growl.

“What would you give?”

I can feel Caleb closing in on me, we were so close...so very close-

“Hey fuckers, what are you two doing up so late?”

Caleb and I almost physically jumped at the suddenness of the new voice, when we both turn our heads to face...unsurprisingly Beauregard. What was surprising was the goblin girl behind Beau with a small smirk on her face.

_ “You're  _ not doing something...naughty?”

Nott’s green index finger swiftly moves left and right. Eyes accusing us, thinking she solved half of a mystery that was never there.

Immediately my face becomes red, “No, no...that’s definitely not happening at this very moment, I mean why would we do that here- not like we do it anywhere with Frumpkin here. I MEAN I WAS JUST PLAYING THE PIANO!”

Silence fills the room.

“We were uh,  _ keeping  _ our hands to ourselves. So… no need to worry, right?”

My voice trembles more than just a bit. Humming throughout the room.

“ _ Yeah _ you totally convinced  _ me,  _ Jester.” Her eyes revealing a bit of sadness that I couldn’t explain.

“I don’t think that was exactly how it was going  _ down,  _ Beauregard.” Nott’s eyes flickers to me then Beau until finally settling on Caleb.

_ ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah.  _ Let them make fun of us all they want _.’ _

I stand up, walking towards them and away from still really shirtless Caleb. Herdingling them back up the stairs, I gave one last smile to Caleb before I bid him a good night.

_ You're on to me, on to me, and all over… _

I lay in the tavern’s bed. Thinking about everything that has happened to me after I left mama the first time.

_ Something always brings me back to you. _ My thoughts become slower as my mid drifts to the darkness. I hear one last thing.

“Irgendetwas bringt mich immer zu dir zurück, Es dauert nie zu lange ”

_ It never takes too long. _

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> This is technically a song-fic. Guess the song!


End file.
